5.31.2002
tonight i went to a "ball." i think the idea was for it to be very civilized, but it wasn't...mostly. but it was uncivilized in a good way.
when we got there, everyone looked perfect. all the clothes were smooth, every hair was in place and everyone was fresh and beautiful. at the end, the clothes were wrinkled and sweaty, hair had fallen down and curls had come out, feet hurt and backs ached and everyone was tired, but they were still beautiful. everyone was breathless, smiling and happy.
i've had my princess evening, and now it's time to go upstairs and take my hair down and necklace off, then come back downstairs and change into my pyjamas and go back to being just whitney.
but that's ok.
created at 11:41 PM
5.30.2002
tonight was absolutely wonderful. it made up for all the crappiness the rest of the day was. tonight was wonderful.
created at 10:48 PM
5.28.2002
i'm tired of dealing with things. i wish so desperately that i could change them and there's nothing i can do. nothing.
but i'm not hopeless, i don't think. i'm going to bed now.
created at 8:37 PM
5.23.2002
my mother just doesn't seem to understand. when i refer to people by their ethnicity, i'm simply trying to describe the person for her, not trying to draw attention to the fact that they're different from me.
i'm too tired for words.
created at 9:10 PM
5.15.2002
today was rough. it was really rough. last night, i got to bed late. i got up early, helped jarrell and uncle joe get moved to another field, then started loading seed. no problems so far. then a lot of little things started going wrong. if it had been one, it would have been all right, but it was a million, not the least of which being that the planter quit planting. a lot of things went wrong that didn't affect me directly, but it affected everyone around me in a bad way, so it got to me too.
we didn't get home from the fields until seven and it just occured to me that i got five and half hours of sleep and worked for twelve and a half hours. whoa. that's a long time.
ok, it wasn't all bad. i did get to take a nap in the tractor between seed loadings.
aunt susan has decided that fernando thinks i'm cute. i'm not sure if i like that or not.
tuesday, may 14, 2001
it rained last night, so we didn't end up working today. we slept late, and then, later on in the morning, allison and i went out to the fields that glenn and jarrell were harrowing. i rode with jarrell and allison rode with glenn. i actually ended up getting to drive jarrell's tractor all by my lonesome, which is a great honor. i'd say that i got to drive one of the only two 8520's in south georgia, but no one would know what i was talking about.
later that afternoon, we went to albany (pronounced: all-binny) to shop with the money that aunt susan paid us for working. it was wonderful being able to spend whatever i wanted on clothes without worrying about spending too much money or making anyone mad over how much i wanted to spend on
one shirt or
one pair of jeans.
created at 8:27 PM
5.13.2002
today was most definitely monday. you know how it is when it seems like nothing is getting done and everything that can go wrong does go wrong? that was today. because of that, i learned how to run the bedknocker. aunt susan and i decided that if you phrased it right, it could sound really odd. "i was the bedknocker." while we were bedknocking and planting, it started to get all dark and stormy looking. the wind picked up so much dust coming across the field that you could actually watch the wind coming. it looked like mist, but it was coming much to fast to be mist. when the dust cloud hit, i could hear it whistling around the tractor. just when we thought we were going to be able to leave early, the storm parted around our field and went on past us, leaving us blue sky and hot hot hot weather.
i figured out how to eye flirt with the little mexican.
when we got home, after we got our showers, it started to get stormy around the house. the sky started to get dark and the wind picked up. then everything got really quiet. we went out on the porch and sat on the porch swing and watched it coming. the sky got darker and darker and the wind got even stronger. there was an feeling of expectancy in the air. off in the distance, to the west, it started to lightening. everyone else went in and i stayed on the porch, watching the clouds gather. finally it started sprinkling, so i decided to come in. now, as i'm typing this, it's gotten pitch black and the rain is pouring down. i can hear the wind around the house.
i am so tired. today was rough.
created at 7:48 PM
5.12.2002
we went tubing again today. there were times when brett was driving the boat so fast i was terrified to fall out. aunt susan and uncle joe left the lake early, so glenn ended up taking allison and i home. the sunset was gorgeous. it looked like one of those magnificent paintings that makes it look like the sun is resting in some clouds. it was incredible. allison fell asleep and glenn and i had a great conversation on the way home. i'm starting to think of him as an older brother. (for future and previous reference, glenn is 26 and jarrell is 24.)
one of my favorite things about glenn and jarrell and their crew is that they treat allison and i like one of them, not like the little cousins.
i've been away from home for a long time.
created at 8:58 PM
5.11.2002
today was almost exactly the same as yesterday. we planted eighty acres today. allison and i decided that the small joy of the day is making forts out of the peanut seed bags. everything i've got is sunburnt, except my face.
i discovered something today, but i've completely forgotten what it was.
i am sick and tired of prejudices.
"as baptists, we had no shortage of sins to haunt us." --luke chandler in
a painted house, by john grisham
created at 10:15 PM
5.10.2002
i look nice for the first time in over a week. we're going to go see spiderman tonight with glenn and his wife, elandra.
today was almost exactly the same as yesterday. there's something really nice about a routine and knowing exactly what's going to happen when. i like the freedom of spontinaity, but having a routine is almost relief.
i heard fernando laugh for the first time today.
glenn hung out with us more today and we got to go to the bridge. the bridge is a store where you can get lunch, but the guy that cooks it cooks something different every day and you never really know what you're getting. the store is old.
really old. it had one of those old "cha-ching" cash registers and everything!
but then again, we
were in baker county and that's not really anything new. baker county is about fifty years behind everywhere else in the world. when you cross the border from mitchell county into baker, you feel almost like you've stepped back into the fifties. there's definitely a segregation and the law enforcment there is very odd. ironically though, they elected a black sheriff and he won't mess with the white citizens. glenn told me that he passed the sheriff the other day going seventy in a fiftyfive section and the sheriff just waved at him. i've been told the people have been known to disappear in baker county. someone will die of unnatural causes and you never hear about it, they never find the body, and they're just
gone.
allison says "nothing goes on here. it's just hot."
created at 4:40 PM
5.09.2002
today was a dusty day. the dirt that fernando and aunt susan were working in was a really fine, silty sort of dirt and it was dry. it was really
dry. fernando's tractor is called the bed knocker (make of
that name what you will) and it digs more than the planter does and there were clouds of dust in front of and behind his tractor. then the wind caught the dust and started swirling around, making dirt devils. i ended up getting covered in it from head to toe. my hands were pink from the insecticide that's on the peanut seed and i smelled vaguely like the insecticide/peanut combination that i've been working with for the past week. the metal on the trailer got so hot today that you couldn't sit on it, even with jeans on.
there's a lot of communication that goes on in a farm that has nothing to do with words. oftentimes, it doesn't even have to do with eyes. it's very different and you'd have to talk to me in person for me to try to explain it to you. it's almost like you just
know what the other person wants or needs without them telling you or even motioning to you. it's really very interesting.
today i got to pull a trailer behind a truck on the highway. up 'til now, i've been pulling the gooseneck with a tractor on fields, but this was the real thing. it wasn't much different than just driving the truck by itself.
oh yes. another thing about around here. everyone drives everyone else's vehicles and no one really cares. i mean, i (who have had my license for all of a month and a half) have driven uncle joe's, aunt susan's, glenn's and someone else's trucks all by myself. they just leave the keys in the truck so that if someone needs the truck or needs move it they can. there's no "that's
my truck" or "don't dent it" or anything else. it's like all the trucks are everyone's and no one cares which one they use.
there's a sticker on the door of our tractor that says:
SAFETY
---------
live with it.
created at 8:19 PM
5.08.2002
another fact. fifty pound sacks of peanut seed are not heavy the third day, unless you have to lift them across the trailer twentyfive times in a row. it's just really hot the third day. really, really hot. 95 in the shade. much the same as yesterday though, except now it's my back, chest, shoulders
and legs that are sunburnt. thank goodness the tractor cab is air conditionered.
our days have come to a routine. get up around 6:50, get ready, eat breakfast as quickly as possible and head to the farm. then, we do the peanut seed thing all day with a twenty minute break for lunch, then around three or four, we quit and go do other things that need doing, like taking a trailer full of fertilizer to another farm, or cleaning jarrell's house, or moving tractors from one farm to another. then we come home, swim in the pool for an hour, take showers and eat supper around eight, then we're off to bed to start the whole thing over again.
fernando grins a lot. he doesn't say much, just grins.
today, allison and i were hot and tired, so aunt susan let us run underneath the pivot as it walked. we got really wet and it was fun.
i have seen lots of angel letters since i've been here. the sky here is very conducive to them. the one i saw today was upside down. instead of there being a hole in the clouds and the sun rays shining down, there was a hole in the clouds and the sun rays were shining up. it was very cool.
me and a tree frog made friends today. aunt susan has two outside shower stalls, so allison and i take our showers out there and there was a tree frog in my shower stall with me. the top of the shower stall is low enough that you can see out the top, so while you're taking a shower, you can look up and see the sky and a house and some fields and a road. it's kinda different.
i'm main and mortal tired, so i'm headed for bed.
created at 8:37 PM
5.07.2002
i learned something today. fifty pound sacks of peanut seed aren't heavy until the second day. my hands are hurting from lifting the sacks and my legs are sunburnt and my back and shoulders are still sore from kneeboarding on sunday and i'm so tired i can barely move. as soon as i finish this, i'm headed for bed.
fernando is a cute little mexican guy that works for aunt susan. he's about five foot three with long hair and everything about him is little. he's got little hands, a little smile, a little goatee and a little voice. he leaves off the ends of his words when he talks. it's fun to listen to him talk, but he doesn't talk much. he's a nice little guy.
today was much the same as yesterday, except that we only planted fifty acres instead of sixtyfive. then we moved the planter, plow and trailer to baker county which took about an hour and twenty minutes at twentytwo miles an hour and i was driving the truck behind them. it was pretty boring.
jarrell is the other cousin. he's a sweet guy with a shy smile and blue eyes and streak of mischief in him. he's the sort of guy that when he's grinning at you for no apparent reason, you need to watch your back. i like him.
i think my accent is changing. "ain't" is becoming a regular word in my vocabulary; lots of normally one syllable words are becoming two syllable words and "a'ight" is a word of assent. i'm not really worried about it though. it'll switch back when i get home. in a really strange sort of way, i don't want to leave. i miss the people, but i'm happy here too.
i'm going to sleep now.
created at 7:59 PM
5.06.2002
there were waves of heat today. when you look across the field and watch a truck driving down the road that runs parallel to the field, the truck shimmers through all the heat.
people wave. if you don't wave as you're passing someone while you're in the truck, it is taken as a personal offense. you wave.
today i pulled the tractor and trailer up, pulled fifty pound bags of peanut seed off the trailer, opened them, let my cousin glenn and the little mexican named fernando load the seed, back the tractor and twentyeight foot gooseneck trailer up and then wait for the whole process to start again. we did this from about nine o'clock until four and all totaled, we got sixtyfive acres planted. i also got to drive some rather large trucks around too. big farm trucks-- Ford F-350 V8 diesel crew cab trucks. oh yeah. and a planter. i think i'm developing a taste for country music now too. hmm.
i could see the sun set completely. it was strange looking because it just sort of hung low in the western sky for a long time. it was so hazy but cloudless, so you could actually watch the sun set and see it's yellow disk fade into orange, and then to purple. and then it was gone.
life is simple around here. i like it. i think i'll just stay here.
created at 9:00 PM
5.05.2002
everywhere you go here there's rows and rows of cotton or peanuts or tobacco, or sometimes just plowed up rows of nothing. sometimes you can see the pivots walking. you know those loooong metal things with wheels that you see in fields sometimes? that's a pivot, and when they're running, there's water coming out of all the pipelines and they're rolling slowly across the field. it's amazing to see something that huge moving without anyone touching it.
we went tubing today. i figured something out today. with this crew, the idea is not to just ride in the tube as they pull it leisurely behind the boat, the idea is to see how long you can stay on before they throw you out. it's really more of a competition to see who's better, the rider or the driver.
aunt susan is currently discussing our work plan for the morning. i'm going to learn how to back a trailer, and i get to drive a stick shift jeep wrangler.
today aunt susan said something that caught my attention.
"i don't go to church because i can't deal with people screwing you all week, and then smiling and acting like everything is fine just because they're in church."
people are really direct around here. if they are going to laugh at you, they do it to your face. if they're going to talk about you, they do it in front of you. if they don't like something, or if they do, they say so. it's really nice.
it's going to be an interesting week.
and i have an eyecandy cousin. it's not fair.
created at 7:57 PM
5.04.2002
we're here. there's land...lots and lots of flat-as-a-pancake land. at 5pm it was 96 degrees, but now it's cooled off to 83.
we're going to have a lot of work to do, but aunt susan is properly spoiling us in the process. an interesting combination. kind of strange, but it works. we've been instructed in the arts of living in south georgia and we've been told that we are going to be more than ready for bed on monday night after work. i'm going to learn how to back a trailer. aunt susan said it's a really good thing that i know how to drive stick.
it's really cool in aunt susan's house, both literally and in the slange sense. it makes up for the temperature outside, and it's all wooden...well, almost all of it. the only part that isn't wooden is the pool room and parts of the kitchen. as my uncle just informed me, the floors are pine, the walls are cypress.
i've got lots and lots of food for stories.
if i let myself, i'm going to come back from here with a strange accent.
vodka with orange juice tastes pretty good.
created at 9:46 PM
5.03.2002
safely in atlanta right now. i'm about to die of tiredness, so i'm off to bed. goodnight all.
created at 9:56 PM
things are getting really busy around here. we're just about to leave and everything is a bit bustling. even my typing is faster (though that could have to do with the fact that the caffine from my mocha is just kicking in). we'll be out of here by five and in atlanta by nine or so. then tomorrow, it's off for moultrie--wait, check that, sale city georgia.
what have i gotten myself into?
hopefully i'll still be able to post while i'm there, but i don't know.
there is only one of you that know about this and i'm praying for you right now.
donnybrook whitney out.
created at 3:49 PM
this morning i was pulled all the magnetic poetry words off my magnetic board so that i could pack them both and as i did so, i ran across three things that someone (i think i) wrote/put together/whatever.
leave earth here as
the spirit leapes.
why let life
throw you about
and
a secret whisper
softly celebrates
love
created at 7:01 AM
5.02.2002
now i've got the choice to either let people read this and know me for real, or censor that last post to stay "clean."
i think i'll censor.
censored.
created at 9:19 PM
do you realize that when i head down to the cotton fields of south georgia, that it's a mans world? did you know that? i did, but i forgot it until today when i was thinking about. i think my mom meant that women weren't particularly welcome, but somehow "it's a man's world" sounded really good to me.
and they're all rebel southern good ol' farm boys!
created at 9:13 PM
my etude is going to kill me.
created at 2:31 PM
5.01.2002
Whit Wan: When I grow up, I'm going to have long luxurious curly thick red hair.
Whit Wan: Naturally
MuseOfTheMusic: Curly as in my curly or curly as in big curls?
Whit Wan: ::shrugs:: Whichever is sexier.
MuseOfTheMusic: ::laughs:: I like the small, Irish ringlets :-D
Whit Wan: ::grins:: Yeah, I do too.
Whit Wan: And while I'm dreaming, I'm going to ride my arabian horse bareback along the beach with only a simple dress on with my luxurious thick red curly hair flowing out behind me. At sunset.
MuseOfTheMusic: lol, okay :-D
Whit Wan: ::laughs:: And someone intriguing is going to fall in love with me and follow me on his black horse.
Whit Wan: And I'm going to play hard to get and keep running.
MuseOfTheMusic: ::grins, listening to her story::
Whit Wan: And then, he's going to overtake me and I'm going to have to stop.
Whit Wan: And he's going to ask me my name and I'm going to be all mysterious and not give it to him.
Whit Wan: So we get off the horses, and he's going to know that my horse knows the way back by itself, so he's going to send it back as I feebly protest.
Whit Wan: Now, it's getting dark.
Whit Wan: And I have to be back. Soon.
Whit Wan: So he's going to (with ease) lift me up onto his horse, and then swing up behind me, wrapping his arms around me to reach his reins.
Whit Wan: And as we're cantering back, he talks to me. It turns out that I like music, so as he has a song that he likes, he sings to me in my ear as the starts start to come out and the waves lap and the horse's hooves squish in the sand.
Whit Wan: And he sounds like Josh Groban, singing in my ear. And I fall in love.
MuseOfTheMusic: ::laughs hysterically::
Whit Wan: Incedentally, it's a full moon out that night.
Whit Wan: ANd then he gets me to where I need to be, and there's no one there, so he takes me off the horse and looks at me, and then kisses me.
Whit Wan: Then he swings back up onto his horse and disappears.
Whit Wan: And then I walk along the beach a bit, humming the song that he just sang to me.
Whit Wan: And then we all live happily ever after
created at 8:49 PM
an interesting conundrum: trying to look sexy and trim while also trying to keep the pants that are too big for you up high enough on your waist so that your stomach doesn't show so that your mother doesn't yell at you. it's a hard thing to do.
okihadtoomuchcaffinetoday(like,twoshotsofespresso)andi'msohypericanbarelysitstillforlongerthanthreesecondsatatimeand
i'vegottogodosomethingthatisn'ttypingbecauseitisn'tmovingenoughandi'vegottoomuchtobedoingtobesittingheredoingnothing.
created at 7:30 PM
[5/1/2002 8:01:08 PM | whitney rayl]
all dentists should be as nice as dr. kennerly.
tonight as i was driving home from grace, i had the windows rolled down as i listened to something guitarish on the radio. it's perfect weather to do that sort of thing. anyway, as i was driving, i could smell flowers. not so much that it was sickly sweet, but just enough to perfume the air and bring images of gardens to my mind.
talk to me, talk to me, i want to hear the words you're saying. -----that's from the song that i was listening to on the way home.
being in charge is not my favorite thing and i forgot what else i was going to say.
[4/30/2002 9:42:33 PM | whitney rayl]
grrr. i should listen to my intuition more often. it's usually right.
tonight as i was thinking while i was cleaning up the kitchen, i decided that i'm too judgmental. so, as i'm pondering that thought, another one comes.
i resolve to not be judgmental and not even half a second later, the utter absurdity of resolving to be less judgemental also hit me. oh well.
i was also going to be depressed tonight, but i decided against it and it worked.
something else. i don't remember what it was.
my room is getting barer and barer. there's no more odds and ends in there and no posters and no books and moving is really draining job, even if you do in in bits and pieces. darn, this going to be a long job.
i'm listening to jg again. i need to buy this cd.
today, trevor walked in the house with a white flower in his hand. i glanced at it and and then realized that it wasn't really a flower at all. he had taken a stick and peeled back the bark at the end of it in curly strips to make petals. he smiled his little boy smile and said "hey whitney, i picked this." i smiled and said "did you?" he said "yeah . . . up off the ground." we both laughed and he asked me if i wanted it. i said "of course!" so he gave it to me and i've been wearing it in my hair all day.
[4/29/2002 10:41:08 PM | whitney rayl]
is blogger bothering just me or is it everyone?
[4/28/2002 10:25:17 PM | whitney rayl]
tired.
[4/27/2002 11:20:17 PM | whitney rayl]
grr. i've done it again. i called someone with the intention of finding out how they were doing and what was going on in their life, then end up with
i this,
i that,
i the other thing. it's getting to me.
yep. it's after ten.
[4/27/2002 4:59:55 PM | whitney rayl]
okokok. i don't know what to do with myself. i don't care. in a good way.
i'm in a great amazingly wonderful mood.
[4/27/2002 3:12:57 PM | whitney rayl]
::swoons over josh groban's voice:: wow. this guy is good.
ok, that wasn't what i was going to say, but i got sidetracked.
what i was going to say was that poetry night was good. i had a wonderful time. i only wish that i could have stayed longer. i stayed too long as it was. i got in trouble when i got home because i was fifteen minutes late. oh well. it was good.
ahem. you'll note that this is considerably earlier than ten o'clock at night.
[4/22/2002 10:49:14 PM | whitney rayl]
the walls in my room are looking very bare right now. i've begun the long and difficult process of packing up. we're all starting it. allison's walls are looking rather bare too.
i've decided that this is where i belong. i go back and i visit mobile. it's nice, but in my heart, i know i don't belong there anymore. it's almost hard to remember when i
did belong there. even when i was seeing ian and tammy and wishing i could be with them more often, i felt a longing to be back here, where i belong.
Small Joy of the day: riding in the car with the windows down and the old time radio station turned up singing along at the top of your lungs.
[4/21/2002 10:56:54 PM | whitney rayl]
went to the hunt's house yesterday after we all took showers. mom and daddy didn't come because they were still working. that's the first time i've been to someone's house without my parents. we had a grand time. anna flipped out of the makeshift seat in the tree fort and it was pretty funny. her legs flipped up over her head and then she laughed too. daniel and i argued over which g it was that tony lance hit at the end of falcon in the dive (i was RIGHT!) and arthur declared that your education wasn't complete until you had heard some bob dylan music, which we did.
we listened to some bob dylan music in church today. i smiled.
we were singing a song (one which i have completely forgotten at this point) which had to do with the morning and mom leaned over and said "the sun came up this morning." i smiled again.
i've decided that i'm bored of being sane and i think i'll go mad for a bit. my dad says not to stay In Sane too long.
i think i wish i were british.
DA da da DA da da DA da da...nevermind. just humming moonlight sonata.
smile.
[4/20/2002 3:59:39 PM | whitney rayl]
wow. i worked harder today than i've worked in a long, long time. i think it was good for me, though i'm exhausted right now. i think there is no
possible way for me to be any dirtier than i am right now.
i'm also doing better than i have in a while. thank you.
[4/19/2002 10:49:45 AM | whitney rayl]
it's strange. i go to my own blog almost expecting to see something new on it. i guess i expect that i've done something that i forgot about. that happens more often than i'll admit.
i am frustrated. why can't i talk about something other than myself?!
[4/18/2002 10:52:36 PM | whitney rayl]
today was
not a good day.
i have no more to say.
[4/17/2002 10:57:39 PM | whitney rayl]
i'm back and i'm tired and i'm happy and i'm angry.
i was reading something just now and somehow it made me so angry that it almost frightened me. i wanted to just beat my head against the monitor or better yet, put my fist through it. i could feel my breathing get faster and shallower. i have the distinct impression that if anyone talked to me just now, it would not go well for either of us. i do not want to talk about it. i feel like i'm growling or shouting at someone.
the sky was beautiful this evening as we were coming home. i could look out the window and see deep
purples and
oranges and i even saw two angel letters.
every time we go to mobile, i'm reminded beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are definitely supposed to be living here in asheville.
i'm getting tired of this blog.
[4/10/2002 10:52:37 PM | whitney rayl]
i wonder how long it will take me to figure out and accept that i can't fix everything that's wrong. heck, i can't fix most things.
a thought just popped into my head. what if i let God do it instead of trying everything myself? that just might work better.
it's interesting to think that tonight i'm sitting at my house, comfortable and easy, and tomorrow night i'll be in a different house, in a different city, in a different state. i almost wish i weren't leaving. i almost always feel like this just before i leave. i've got a really bad feeling about this trip though. not about us, but about the people that i'm leaving behind. i guess i'm just scared.
take heart.
God has not given us a spirit of fear,
but of power, of love and of a sound mind.
i've been sleeping on the couch for the past week due to my fear of mutated spider crickets and the fact that i've started seeing them again, but today my dad and i sprayed some wicked bad poison all over the yard, so hopefully they're all dead. i'm going to try to sleep in my room tonight.
go back and count how many "i"s are in this post. nevermind, don't.
[4/9/2002 10:08:47 PM | whitney rayl]
i have several things i want to write about, but i've got far too much to do to be posting on my blog. i'll fill these out later.
1) the beery guy at the library.
2) the street performers
[4/9/2002 11:17:03 AM | whitney rayl]
i feel like hissing.
both names?
grr.
but i don't see any good reason to refuse.
[4/7/2002 10:52:51 PM | whitney rayl]
this afternoon, we were at frank's roman pizza. trevor was sitting at one end of the table and had been quiet for a while, when he suddenly spoke up.
i think we need to all be more like babies. they seem to trust more. i mean, if your dad tells you "just jump out of the tree, i'll catch you" you pause, think about it, maybe you'll do it, maybe you won't. but if you tell a young child to do that, they just . . . jump.
that is one amazing little boy.
a few months ago, i sent part of my journal to...i guess my mentor...and here's what she thought of it.
"You seem surprised when things don't turn out as mediocre as you expected - and you remind yourself often that there's plenty to be grateful for. How's this for observation - there are 2 Whitney's - the one that wants to break out - and go for what you really want and say how you really feel, - right there in front of God and everybody - and the other cautious Whitney, that explains life to the wayward Whitney. 'Don't expect too much, Whitney' - you tell yourself. 'It was good enough, and there's a lot to be
thankful for, etc.' ...But is there a part of you that wants to burst with joy - feel terrifically alive in every cell of your body? Does your cautious Whitney keep you from going after that?"
yes yes yes! i do want to burst with joy and feel terrifically alive in every cell of my body! i want to love like i've never been hurt, i want to open myself up and be vulnerable, i want to be absolutely real, no barriers, no lies, and let you see just who i truly am! i want to be vibrant. i want to stop living my life based on other people's expectations or what they think of me. i want to care more for people, and at the same time, care less about what they think. i want to just
be.
but there's another whitney sitting here with me. and that whitney is scared and she won't let me go after it. i'm going to have to have words with that whitney. i'm irritated with her.
[4/6/2002 10:06:14 PM | whitney rayl]
i have some glow paint that my mom bought for the heck of it. i painted a sunrise on my wall that can only be seen when the lights are out.
[4/2/2002 4:49:06 PM | whitney rayl]
small joy of the day:
violets.
[4/2/2002 4:46:22 PM | whitney rayl]
we were at kmart today when my mom had the most interesting conversation. we had been looking for an appliance lightbulb for my sister's lava lamp. they seemed to be sold out, so we went to get our milk, when we found, hanging on the milk refrigerator, one (1) appliance lightbulb that was the size and wattage that we needed. my mom mentioned this to the lady that checked us out (an older lady, maybe in her late fifties, early sixties, white hair).
"well, it was there just for you."the lady answered.
"yes it was" my mom said.
"if you're like me, you believe that God put it there for you."
my mom nodded.
"i do
believe that."
"you know, working around here, i'm afraid to say anything like that to anyone for fear that someone will hear and turn me in.
strange.
[4/1/2002 10:02:55 PM | whitney rayl]
i don't have anything to say.
i am definitely a hugger.
[3/31/2002 10:26:52 PM | whitney rayl]
imagine. it's after ten o'clock and i'm not depressed or even getting there.
there is hope.
even though i'm upset about the fact that i'm going to miss the dance on the 18th and, unless you decide to go to the agape dance, it's your last dance dear.
happy easter? oh yes. happy easter!
[3/30/2002 11:19:31 PM | whitney rayl]
i was thinking about forgiveness today. i'm too tired to write about it now.
happy easter? hm.
[3/29/2002 11:01:37 PM | whitney rayl]
well, the style wasn't really my favorite (read: i didn't like it) but the songs and lyrics were really good. i got to talk to the dear one and it helped a lot. i'm not as bad off as i was before, but i'm likely to slide again.
i'm glad i went, but then again, it usually happens that way.
[3/29/2002 4:43:53 PM | whitney rayl]
life is making me tired again.
every time i think we're getting somewhere, something comes up to dash that hope. i find that it's better (easier?) to just not hope than to hope and then get it squashed. leaving is looking better and better. i need to talk to someone.
we're going to a concert tonight, but i don't really want to go. i'd rather curl up in my bed with some tea and something to eat and the count of monte cristo and just escape for a long while. my mom would probably tell me that wishing that is some sort of idol but i don't care.
i don't care about anything!
i don't care
i don't care
i don't care
I
:
Can't
:
Care!
wait
i do care.
i care a lot.
[3/28/2002 10:05:14 AM | whitney rayl]
i am angry
i am tired
i am confused
i am scared
i'm really scared
but underneath all that, there's still that feeling, no, that knowledge that it's really not as bad as all that and the sky is still
blue, the grass is still
green and the sun came up this morning. (i smiled as i typed that last one)
but right now i'm seeing what's on top, not what's underneath.
i talked to my sister yesterday. it was good. it's going to be a process though.
i have my license now. that means that now i can legally drive off into the sunset. what a thought.
i was getting ready to go to bed last night when my mom called me into trevor's room. i couldn't imagine why she wanted me there, but she did, so i obeyed. when i got there, she pointed to trevor. he was asleep on his bed with his night light casting a slight glow on his face and he looked almost angellic. i really love that boy.
[3/26/2002 10:51:16 PM | whitney rayl]
i had my "maiden voyage" (as my dad put it today) by myself in the car and i didn't get killed or anything. the freedom is wonderful, but now that i have that extra priviledge, i'm under a lot more pressure as far as setting an example for my sister goes. she's going to get herself into a lot of trouble one of these days. i only hope i'm already gone by then. lets see...i've got a year and a half. she won't be driving by then. that's good. at this point, i don't trust her any farther than i could throw her. i don't like that, but it's how it's going to be for now. i'm going to have a talk with her tomorrow, i hope.
every girl should wear flowers in her hair at some time.
oh dear, its really late and i really need some sleep. i'm slipping away,
away.
[3/21/2002 10:43:24 PM | whitney rayl]
opening night went beautifully. trevor really works well for an audience. i'm so tired i can't type though, so i suppose i'll go read the count of monte cristo (unabridged) and work on outlining it.
small joy of the day: getting the dance right while everyone is watching. no, wait.
just getting the dance right.
[3/21/2002 12:16:36 PM | whitney rayl]
on the way to piano the other day, i saw a robin taking a bath in a muddy pothole on the side of the road.
my sister is above me playing piano because she's mad at mom. i hate it when that happens. she's just generally mad at the world right now, and as i happen to be part of the world she's mad at me. i don't much care.
tonight's opening night.
[3/19/2002 11:23:40 AM | whitney rayl]
oh my goodness. someone has started a blog. wow. somehow i would have never thought it possible. that seems dreadfully . . . open, for him at least. i wonder what'll get posted there.
i started playing moonlight sonata last night at rehearsal after almost everyone had gone home. i heard the stage manager gasp when i started playing and then when i couldn't play any more, i felt bad about having to stop because she said "keep going!" and i couldn't. oh well.
headed for the theatre (church) to help with set painting.
[3/18/2002 11:01:52 PM | whitney rayl]
for we all are caught in the middle
of one, long, treacherous riddle . . .
[3/17/2002 8:35:11 PM | whitney rayl]
i can't seem to get started.
today in church (sunday school) we were reading over a sheet with various verses and things to meditate on while "be thou my vision" was played in the background. (passive voice! ugh!) while we were reading and meditating, all of a sudden the rain started to get loud. it started from a light pitter, and then just steadily, quickly got louder. just when i thought it couldn't get any louder, it got just that much louder again. it was an absolute roar! i was really getting into the scripture on the page, so i tried to ignore it (as i thought "oh, listen to all these unspiritual people that are too interested in the rain to focus on God. i am better than them) but then when a huge crack of thunder came, i couldn't help but crack a grin (oops, guess i'm the unspiritual one now). thunderstorms make my day and we don't have too many around here...but when we do, boy are they amazing!
rehearsal was long and boring today.
i
:
hate
:
laser
:
pointers!!
happy saint patrick's day.
[3/16/2002 10:39:28 PM | whitney rayl]
i am utterly, amazingly tired, but i am happy for no real reason. perhaps it's joy i'm feeling. whatever it is, it's lovely.
life is good!
to quote you, dear one:
smile,
God rejoices over you
and so do i.
[3/15/2002 11:29:10 PM | whitney rayl]
wow. i am really, really tired and i've got an sat tomorrow that i am very much not ready for. oh well, i'm not worried. what's the worst that could happen? i get a wretched grade and take it again, maybe this year, maybe next year. i mean, it's not all that bad. actually, i think i'm just covering for myself because i really think i'm going to do badly.
today i got terminal stoppedness. i got done with chemestry and geometry (both tests today) and suddenly i just couldn't do any more. i'll have a lot to do tomorrow.
there's nothing like singing at the top of your lungs while you're in the house alone.
where's the girl?
[3/14/2002 11:07:10 PM | whitney rayl]
our play is coming together. not quite so painful now. i've gotten to the point where i don't compare it to SP anymore, which is a good thing.
hey! i got the scarlet pimpernel cd today! i'm a happy camper. i've wanted that for a long time. i don't know if it's good for me or not though. i don't much care.
mutated spider crickets have pushed me to the limits of my sanity. i am more or less not joking. definitely hysterically, neurotically terrified of those things.
the sunset was beautiful tonight. the clouds sort of ran in strips parallel to the mountains, and when the sun set, the cloud strips turned different shades of orange and pink, like each strip was a different shade from the next. the two or three puffs of clouds that were high in the sky were cotton candy pink.
so it's higher and higher and into the fire we go!!
[3/14/2002 8:54:53 AM | whitney rayl]
i'm going to write "the count of monte cristo: a new musical." of course, it will be one of those things that i start and have a lot of fun with for a while, then quit, but i'll work on it until i don't.
hey, someone told me how to make links light up when your mouse hovers over them and so now the links on my other website do that. it's so cool. oh my gosh, i can't believe i'm getting excited over some code. things are worse than i thought.
i am in a surprisingly good mood.
the sky looked cool yesterday. i was talking on the phone while standing on the front of the car and looking at the clouds. the wind was very gentle and so it played in my hair while i talked. it was just a perfect temperature, i think "cool" is the best word to describe it. and the sky was blue except where there were clouds, and then there were some really dark clouds just north (ha!) of the really blue spot. it was strange because it was really a bright evening, but the way our windows face, you could only see the dark clouds and so, unless you actually went outside, you couldn't tell how nice it was out there. then, as the sun began to set, the dark grey clouds started to turn more of a purple, then pinkish until you couldn't see them anymore. definitely a beautiful evening.
hey, we get to be out driving near sunset tonight. that's cool!
oop. gotta go vacuum. (what a strange word.)
[3/12/2002 10:39:14 PM | whitney rayl]
i now officially congratulate tony for his uncensoring of falcon in the dive on saturday. my rebellious side has been satisfied, though i would have been even happier if he had uncensored another line as well.
said by a professional translator at a meeting at the vatican:
"and now, his poopiness, the Hole . . . er, his poopiness the Pole, or rather, his Holiness the Poop."
i'm feeling gothic.
[3/11/2002 10:47:53 PM | whitney rayl]
one last thought:
i am wishy washy.
and i think too much. (thank you
so much dear, i didn't think too much until i moved up here and you rubbed off on me. :-P )
i really like charlie brown.
[3/11/2002 10:27:01 PM | whitney rayl]
i had a lovely evening last night. my family has now started to make fun of me again, but i've decided to ignore it. oh well. things were very nice-feeling last night, even though everything wasn't perfect. the more i live, the more i realize that things don't have to be perfect to be good.
the scarlet pimpernel was breath-taking. gabriel makes fun of me for describing it that way, but it was. our little oliver play is
nothing in comparison. tonight i was sitting in the audience while they were rehearsing and it was so bad it was almost painful to listen to. i almost left and went into the foyer, but decided not to. i was too lazy to get up.
whoa, i just got an email from a german lady that i met via lion the witch and the wardrobe and she sent the entire email auf deutsch and i'm just a little lost. i caught most of it though. i really wish i knew german better.
[3/7/2002 10:50:41 PM | whitney rayl]
oh, to be naive again...what i would give.
i had a really,
really good day today. i'm supposed to be in bed now.
[3/6/2002 9:21:25 PM | whitney rayl]
well. i'm getting to bed earlier and earlier. that makes me happy and should make someone else happy too, dear. my stomach has been hovering between 5 and 10 on a pain scale of 1-100 and now it's beginning to get worse again.
unless i encounter intense opposition with good arguments, i'm changing the url to this site to an unknown address on friday.
stomach ulcers are worsened by stress. i wonder what that means.
[3/6/2002 1:27:02 PM | whitney rayl]
aunt debbie says that i probably have an ulcer. now
that sounds reasonable. i wonder if those are curable. i'll have to look into that.
oh dear. somehow i wish i had just kept this blog to myself and just continued using it as a journal. i'll bet the url is going to change soon.
[3/5/2002 9:47:06 PM | whitney rayl]
i went to the doctor today. some help she was. the sum total of what she said was yep, your stomach hurts all right. i think thanks, i could have told you that. i feel miserable right now and i'm going to bed.
[3/4/2002 10:13:07 PM | whitney rayl]
saturday i was worried, sunday i felt fine all day and now today my stomach hurt so bad this morning that it woke me up. all morning i felt like crap and then the afternoon/evening was fine, and now i'm feeling bad again. i'm going to sleep right now just to escape.
[3/1/2002 8:05:48 AM | whitney rayl]
yesterday we were out of milk before breakfast, so my mom and i headed out to go get some. when we got out to the car, mom had to run back into the house for something so i stood out there in the cold for a few minutes. while i was waiting, i looked at the windscreen of the car and noticed that there were snowflakes on it. since the glass of the windscreen was colder than the snowflakes themselves, they stayed on there and didn't melt. there were thousands of them on there, all perfectly preserved. it was amazing! i had never seen actual individual snowflakes before. they were always in clumps and drifts and all over the ground melting, never perfectly seperated so that i could see them. i wish everyone could see some amazing snowflakes at least once in their lives.
Small Joy of the day (actually, yesterday): Looking at thousands of perfect, intricate snowflakes.
[2/27/2002 8:28:22 PM | whitney rayl]
my parents have insisted that i go to bed at nine o'clock and that i be asleep no later than nine thirty. i don't know if i can do that. i go to bed so late usually that i don't know if i'll be able to be
asleep by then. oh well, i suppose i'll try. i need the extra sleep anyway.
i've fallen into a bad habit. instead of checking on people in person, i just go to their blogs. that's not a good thing, and i think the reason that i haven't told anyone about my blog yet.
headed to bed now, hopefully to write.
[2/26/2002 9:55:48 PM | whitney rayl]
we went to rehearsal tonight. it was good. i really enjoy acting. i am currently so tired i can barely hold my eyes open, so i suppose i will go to bed now.
Life would be really boring if we knew all the answers. I mean, it just wouldn't be *life.*
Trevor Rayl, 2002
[2/26/2002 1:16:50 PM | whitney rayl]
eloquent --
1 : marked by forceful and fluent expression [an
eloquent preacher]
2 : vividly or movingly expressive or revealing [an
eloquent monument]
[2/25/2002 10:24:58 PM | whitney rayl]
wow, i was looking over some of my earlier posts and they sounded so selfish! hm. it's a rather realistic picture of me though.
[2/25/2002 10:05:24 PM | whitney rayl]
i tried to post on this the other day, but it didn't work and now i don't remember what i was going to say. something about the fact that i was in a really good mood for no real reason. i am tonight too. i guess it's because life is good right now, but then again, life is always good, but sometimes it feels better than other times and right now it
feels good.
i keep thinking i'm going to tell someone about this, but every time i type in the email address then tab down to the body of the email and type in the link to this blog, i chicken out and don't do it. strange. i think i'm a little more neurotic than i like to think most times.
i also think i'm enjoying playing a bar wench more than i should.
we watched the closing ceremonies of the olympics last night with a particular family that we know and it was a blast! they really are an awesome family. everything (ahem, most things) felt so . . .
nice. we really ought to do that sort of thing more often.
i've got this song by solas stuck in my head and i've been humming it almost nonstop for two hours now. it's not bothering me though.
Trying to be witty leads to lying, more or less.
The Little Prince, Antoine St. Euxpery
Small Joy of the day: finding your favorite pencil when you thought you had lost it.
i think i'm going to go to bed now. you had better change my bedtime dear or i'll be up too late.
[2/21/2002 10:30:36 PM | whitney rayl]
i'm feeling rather well today. it was a good day, even if i did have to teach all afternoon and miss dance to do so. ::purses lips:: that didn't make me happy, but my sister and i have so much fun together when we're alone that it wasn't awful. i'm going to spend the night at the dear one's house on saturday, which is also a good thing. someone i know is going to get in trouble shortly and it's probably going to get me into trouble too and i'm going to be mad. hmm.
random fact of the day: infusion of echinacea makes your tongue tingle. if you'd like to try it, i'd be glad to give you the recipe.
jodie foster is in a horror movie called "panic room" and my parents and uncle are talking about it with derogatory terms, and my uncle is about to puke over sarah meier's nose ring. i rather like body piercing, to a certain extent. (i bet i'll hear about that one.) ok, i think it's time to tell someone.
going to bed now.
[2/16/2002 1:24:16 PM | whitney rayl]
ok, i think i'm well over my little depressed stage there. that isn't to say that i can't slip back into it, but i'm really hoping against it. i spent most of this morning sleeping, and then, up until now, cleaning up and such. i just found the lyrics to what a wonderful world, which just happens to be my all time favorite song (and has been since several months before i moved, dear one!)
I see trees of green, red roses too,
I watch them bloom for me and you;
And I think to myself -- what a wonderful world!
I see skies of blue, clouds of white,
The bright blessed day,and the dark sacred night;
And I think to myself -- what a wonderful world!
The colors of the rainbow, so pretty in the sky,
Are also on the faces of people passing by.
I see friends shaking hands saying "how do you do",
What they're really saying, is "I love you".
I hear babies crying, I watch them grow;
They'll learn much more than I'll never know.
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world!
Yes I think to myself, what a wonderful world!
ok, i've got to go clean the kitchen now.
[2/15/2002 11:35:21 PM | whitney rayl]
i'm doing better now. i think shakespeare was good for me. i didn't get to talk to all the people that i meant to, but i did get to talk to some people that i didn't expect to get to talk to and that made me happy. someone played in(with) my hair. that was fun. i like it when people play in my hair. i also go to talk (ahem, argue) with someone who i haven't talked (ahem, argued) with in a long time. i gave someone an assignment . . . i wonder if it will get done. confession for those of you who don't already know: i only go to shakespeare for the socializing. ok, i do read the plays and listen to the speaker, but my main object is the people.
i'm now online talking to my bestest friend in the whole wide world and posting on my blog and being generally teenagerish and irresponsible by staying up so late and enjoying every minute of it.
i think imaginary friends are a good thing to have.
[2/15/2002 2:01:47 PM | whitney rayl]
life is good. the canadians were awarded gold, which makes me very, very happy. shakira at high blast helps too. its interesting that it only takes one tiny thing to make your entire day better. oh yeah, and there was the guy at the stoplight.
we stopped at this stoplight, the jillionth of the day and we were in a hurry. my mom had her window open (i was driving) and when we stopped, we stopped next to this black guy that was sitting on one of those benches that's at the corner of roads sometimes. we got stopped and he says "how are you doing today?" and mom answers "pretty good! it's a nice day to be sitting out like this." he replied "it sure is! a few more days like this and i'll be able to start working on my tan." mom laughed and said "sure will!" just before we pulled away, he said "you have a nice day now." mom said "thank you, you too." and then he were gone.
i drove downtown today in lunchtime traffic and it was stressful. not particularly frightening, just stressful.
i think shakespeare is going to be good for me tonight.
[2/15/2002 9:21:49 AM | whitney rayl]
what is it about blogs that make you post the depressing stuffs? i suppose that you don't really need an outlet for happiness. i just read someone's blog. the more i read those things the more depressed i get, particularly when i'm involved in a day that they wrote about and they're still depressed or upset. i try and i try...can i do
no good? my goal in life is to help people out of their depression/bad moods/etc. and somehow i seem to be utterly failing. is there anyone who thinks about me and smiles? ever? i'm beginning to feel like someone i know that wants to alienate themselves...on the other hand, i'm just about to spend my entire day reading the tempest so that i can go to shakespeare tonight. go figure.
the sun came up this morning
the sun came up this morning
the sun came up this morning
the sun came up this morning
i wonder who i'll tell about his page first. i bet i know.
[2/14/2002 11:05:32 PM | whitney rayl]
the sun came up this morning
[2/14/2002 11:04:32 PM | whitney rayl]
i'm tired. i'm very tired. tired and depressed. i really didn't mean to get depressed...i kept trying to pull myself out of it, or letting someone else pull me out of it, but it didn't work. actually, at this point, i'm not depressed for myself so much as i am for someone else. gosh. why do i have to care so much? i'm worried about you dear. please don't alienate yourself. i'm praying for you even as i type this. i really should go to bed instead of writing on this blog (the one i always told myself i wouldn't get) but it was a cry of desperation. i think it did me good. dear me, i hope it did.
[2/14/2002 2:48:48 PM | whitney rayl]
Ahem. I was not yet done. I believe that this blog will be only a moment of temporary insanity, but maybe not. Who knows. The trouble with blogs is that people post very personal things on there and in my humble opinion, I'd rather find out those things through the person rather than off of a website. Maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm over opinionated. I've been told that before.
i'm feeling a bit random, a bit cynical, a bit mean--correction--a lot mean and generally a [word censored for content]. yes dear, i'm all for censorship.
isn't a blog just a spot where you can talk about yourself all the time without being looked down on for it?
[2/14/2002 2:39:20 PM | whitney rayl]
Oh my gosh, I just started a blog. I told myself and promised myself I wouldn't do it, but I suppose I don't have as much will power against the public flow as I thought I did...or at least, liked to think I did. I'm posting on this for a while in the hopes that it will help me remember to write in my journal. I believe this one is just for me, unless I decide to let someone else read it. Heh, maybe I will.
created at 7:08 PM
